Vampire Blender

              New Moon, the latest movie installment from the teen vampire saga by Stephanie Myers, opens tonight.  Teen girls and their mothers everywhere are lined up to swoon over  Edward or Jacob, and cheer for Bella.   Maybe it’s a guy thing, but I simply don’t understand.

            Publisher’s Weekly announced that Christians have jumped on the vampire bandwagon.  I shouldn’t be surprised, because in our insulated subculture, we tend to mimic anything that sells in the broader culture; slap a little nice Christian patina on anything and it flies off the shelves at Lifeway.   Of course, that presents a major  problem when we try to engage the world with the claim that we have a unique, distinctive gospel. 

        Now, let’s put those two items in the blender.  Tim Challies, an often intense and deeply theological  blogger and book reviewer, gave me the biggest laugh I’ve had in weeks today, when he proposed what he calls “the ultimate Chrisian novel”:

Cassidy: Amish Vampiress of the Tribulation

That’s right. It’s an Amish novel; it’s a vampire novel; it’s an end-times novel. It’s the best of all worlds.

Here is the back cover text:

He is handsome. He is romantic. He is Amish.

Twenty-three year old Cassidy lives a simple life in the Amish countryside of Lancaster County. Simple, that is, until Slade Byler moves into the old Lapp farm. Cassidy finds herself irresistibly drawn to the handsome Slade; but she fears to share the secret that she alone knows. For Cassidy is an immortal, a princess in the long line of ancient Amish vampires. Will Slade’s love grow cold when he learns this great secret? Can she give to him a heart that does not beat?

Meanwhile, the strength of the Antichrist grows as he consolidates his power and seeks to destroy the peace-loving people of Pennsylvania. A blossoming romance unfolds between Cassidy and Slade as the world around them changes forever. They must fight to stay alive, they must fight to keep their forbidden love a secret, but, as Amish, they must not fight at all.

In this irresistible tale of intrigue and adventure, set against global upheaval, the bonnet meets the cape in a story sure to span the ages.

    The sample chapter here contains this classic exchange:

Her heart stirred with love for the brave, brave man before her, Cassidy pushed her bonnet away from her eyes and moved to kiss Slade. As they came together she felt the smooth, clean-shavenness of his upper lip against her own. She ran her fingers through his magnificent beard. “Oh Slade! What can your buggy do against the forces of the Antichrist?”

“I don’t know. But I will think of something.”

“You must. You simply must.”

Makes your heart flutter, huh?

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2 responses

  1. I love it. It’s an instant classic!! Start filming!!

    I think Dakota Fanning should be the vampiress, she already has screwed up teeth anyways

  2. This is hilarious – but sort of sad b/c people would go for it.

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